The Letters

Dear Teddy,

Teddy –

Teddy!

My love,

Hey T-dawg,

For Teddy

Hi! Happy 20th! Happy happy birthday! Hello my love :) Hey,

This letter is a rambling one. It’s nothing I haven’t said before, nothing I won’t say again.

 I’m in class and I am so very bored, so I’m writing to you instead.

Teddy, look how huge this fucking paper is. I’m writing you the world’s largest letter right now.

I know my handwriting is obscene, but I’m willing to bet you love it.

I’m writing this at a time when everything is uncertain, and I feel like such a mess.

I’m so drunk right now but I feel it’s the perfect time to write since I’m much more vulnerable.

But it’s a letter I wrote for you (no shit!).

What I’m trying to say is: here’s some things I made, thinking of you.

It’s been very stormy here for the last few days, which is calming. I’ve honestly felt really good. Did you know that Airbnb’s in Savannah are at least $120/night??? That’s if you’re particular like me, and insist in an entire place, not a room. I’m actually in Wytheville, VA. I love writing letters on unlined paper, but I’m so bad at keeping my lines even and it really pisses me off. I really miss you.

It’s hard because I feel really good about being on my own finally, but everything creeps back into my head here and there and God I need to get back to Pennsylvania. I don’t really have anything interesting to write about. You’re just on my mind, as always. I was planning to mail you your book, so maybe I’ll send this too. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll keep this for myself.

I have lots of strange feelings about everything ever. I’ve always been afraid to open up, but this week I’ve felt, for the first time, how lovely it feels to love someone, and have someone who loves you. I hope more than anything that calmness (calamity? Isn’t that a different word?) & happiness makes its way to you. On a lighter note, here’s your capo, and something I saw while I was out and knew I had to get you. I know how you like tiny things, too.

Whenever I’m in this class, I wish you could be here to listen; I know you’d have a million things to say, especially now. For one thing, I’ve hardly been on my phone at all. One repercussion of that, though, is that I don’t talk to you as much. That makes me sad, but mostly I worry for you. I don’t have the language to tell you how much you mean to me + how much I love you. I can’t wait to spend many more years together + see where we go. I know it hasn’t been that long. I know there’s a lot we don’t know about each other. I know I’ve said some of this already. All that being said, I want you to know how I feel, because I don’t know if or when I’ll get the chance to tell you again.

That vintage market I wanted to go to in Charlotte – I couldn’t, had to get on the road. So, I’m sitting here, thinking, and I think I’m fucking broke. For another thing, my daily ritual has been listening to vinyls – specifically old ones. Joan Baez, Bob Dylan, Donna Summer, The Beatles, etc… Teddy – don’t tell J – I have maybe $1500 to my name, if I’m lucky. In a lot of ways, I was asleep before. Well, I’m definitely awake now.

I’m running out of room because I’m a drunken idiot, so let me say this quickly. You’re going through so much & I’m supposed to – I want to – be there for you. J and I will be okay. You and I will be okay, and you and J will be okay. Just give me some time to think it through & calm down. I’m holding your ring as I write this, just so I know I didn’t make it up, it wasn’t some vivid dream. I didn’t cry for fear, or sadness, or for some bittersweet bullshit, I cried because I loved you. Whether or not you meant to, I am changed because of this. I know we could make something beautiful, something worth all this stress and pain. I know this isn’t easy, and if we keep doing this, it will continue to be hard. But if you’ll have me, I want to try. I hope you can keep being patient with me as I figure all this out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about our conversation the other day, and I wanted to give you a written apology. I’m sorry things have to be this way. I’m sorry that I let my shit (old + new) get in the way of that love. I’m sorry that I’ve been treating you this way, I just feel like a cornered animal, and that’s not right to you. But I have never ever intended to hurt you or make you feel like I don’t value our connection. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry I made it all about me. I’m so, so sorry I made this trip so messy. I love you, and I’m sorry I hurt you.

Holy shit, please ignore the entirety of that portion of the letter. I was drunk at my hostel, feeling a lot of love for you, and I thought being drunk would allow me to come up with some new, brilliant, sappy thing I haven’t already said to you before. I soon realized what a bad idea that was and passed out. So let me restart.

Thank you. Thanks. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for J and I this week. Thank you for telling me and being honest about it. Thank you for everything. I’m so happy to see the places, people, and things that have shaped your life and made it better. If anyone deserves that, it’s you.

I need to go eat some Indian food.

Ok I ate Indian food.

Anyway, the ritual is vinyls, candles, MAYBE wine, and a book. I have so many good albums I’ve forgotten about! I go to the library, and you know what? They don’t do front-to-back, double-side printing. WHY? Then I saw a billboard for a vintage market off 77 and decided to make it up to myself. It wasn’t expensive, just a silly something. Did you know that no one on the internet has ever had the idea to sell zines of their short stories? And I thought, Teddy deserves the prototype! So here you go.

I hope this letter doesn’t complicate things for you. I don’t even know if you’re getting these messages. I was getting discouraged when I got no response, but I decided to double down and keep reaching out to you.

Anyhow, I love you dearly. Just know I love you, and I miss you desperately. I love you. I love you so, so much. I love you like the universe was born; fantastically, and at a point from which that love can, and has only grown. I love you!!! I really do love you a lot. Like a lot a lot. I promise I love you, J loves you, I’m okay with that, and all is well. We love you and miss you. I love you. I really mean it. I love you, and I always will no matter what. Love you.

You get the point. It’s almost a sin.

That all said – I’ve come to respect your wishes to not have any contact with me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know how you’re doing with life, school, etc. You’ll always be my daughter.

So happy birthday, you stupid baby. Happy happy 20th Teddy. Here’s to turning 20 together. I can’t wait to celebrate with you. I’m so grateful to have met you and share the honor of being at a Teddy birthday. All the best for the coming year.

Regardless of how things turn out, I am grateful for you and this stupid, messy situation we’ve landed ourselves in. I hope your flight home was good, and I’m sure I’ll talk to you well before you get this. I look forward to more chats, river adventures, dancing, and more freaky fun! We stay off our phones, but we stay in touch. You know? A new spin in our spiral! Saw this postcard there and thought of you – you know, birds.

Love,

Love you,

Love Always,

Hugs and Kisses,

Take care of yourself,

Yours,

Alice/Frances/Marie/Stella/Hugo/Omi/Mom/Dad

P.S. I pray to God you can decode my handwriting.

P.S. Let’s reuse this box when we give each other presents.

P.S. Here’s a drawing of you at Riverwalk, except I can’t draw and for some reason you look like a forlorn brothel woman on a pirate ship.

P.S. How the fuck do you fold a Victorian puzzle purse?